Unpopular Views: Wedding Cakes, Same Sex Marriage, and How We’re Supposed to Behave.

I love “Full House.” It’s been a problem for about two decades now. And I know I’m not alone; how many of us can recount the adventures of the Tanner family by heart? Remember when Stephanie drove the car into the kitchen? Or when DJ developed an eating disorder via a steady diet of ice on a stick? Or when Pappou died? Formative moments, each and every one. I won’t even talk about the finale, which involved a horse and an accident and memory loss.

Okay. Maybe we watch that real quick.

Anyway, all of this ties back into a bizarre and surprisingly familial attachment to the show’s stars; we all know what happened to the Olsens, of course, but here I’m talking about Candace Cameron, who played DJ. Now she’s known as Candace Cameron Bure, which I keep misreading as Candace Bergen, which causes all sorts of problems, and I am so far off topic right now.

So. On The View this week, Candace Cameron Bure (she of former child stardom and current outspoken fundamentalist views) and Raven Simone (she of former child stardom and current angry baby bird haircut) got into it about same-sex marriage.

What really grabbed me about this conversation is that Raven clearly looks at a business denying services for a same-sex marriage as discrimination and/or bigotry, and Candace invokes the first amendment; she also cites that this business has no problem serving LGBT customers, but specifically refused to cater a lesbian wedding.

And here’s where I’m sort of surprised: I pretty much side with Candace on this one.

I have plenty of friends with deep theological underpinnings that allow them to love me deeply, and for us to be good friends to one another, and yet–they also view marriage as a sacrament and designed as between a man and a woman. I can understand this and also be hurt by this, because of who I am as a gay man and an Episcopalian; I also have to accept that it has very little to do with me, and a whole lot to do with a set of deeply-ingrained traditions and beliefs.

We don’t change hearts and minds by vehemently decrying situations like this and espousing contempt for hatred in others’ hearts, because really, this isn’t about hatred, or even discrimination–it’s about change.

I’ve received two lessons on this front recently; the first came in a pastoral letter from my bishop, The Right Reverend William (Chip) Stokes, about what happened at the 78th General Convention of the Episcopal Church. One of the most talked-about changes at this convention is The Episcopal Church’s adoption of same-sex marriage rites–and the ability for dioceses and priests to conscientiously object to these rites.

He writes:

I rejoice that marriage equality is now the law of the land and authorized by our church. Many of our brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community have been waiting a long time for this. Countless numbers have lived lives of faithful commitment and love, longing to have their relationships legally recognized and accepted by society and blessed by the church. That day is now here and for that I give thanks. Even as I rejoice, however, I recognize that there are those who in good conscience and deep faithfulness do not agree with or support the decisions made in Salt Lake City. It should be noted, Canon I.18 as amended states: “It shall be within the discretion of any Member of the Clergy of this Church to decline to solemnize or bless any marriage.” This does not represent a change. It has always been the canonical prerogative of any clergy person to refuse to perform a marriage for any reason, including reasons of conscience. This continues to be true. No clergy person will be punished or sanctioned for exercising his or her conscience in this matter. I do direct, however, that, in the event an individual clergy person in the Diocese of Jersey is approached by a same-sex couple who wishes to be married, if that clergy person feels that he or she cannot in good conscience do this, he or she is to refer the couple to a clergy colleague within the diocese who can support the couple in their desire to be married in the church.

What Bishop Stokes does here, in a way that is sensitive and nuanced, is admit that change takes time. And I agree with him. My LGBTQ brothers and sisters, we’ve won some hard-fought battles in the last several weeks. And there are people on the other side of the conversation who are hurting, and scrambling, and feeling like they’ve lost. Well, you know what? Their kids and grandkids are going to play with our kids and grandkids. Because the next step for us is to not cry bigotry every time a bakery or pizza parlor refuses to put two grooms on top of a cake or pie–it’s to live our lives loudly and proudly and calmly, using these rights we’ve affirmed to be the best Americans and Christians we can. And we’ll be on the right side of history; we’ll win out, because when you get to know us, and when we’re living our lives next door to you, we’re pretty lovable.

That’s our next mission: live our lives and create change through the simple advocacy of being good neighbors and citizens. I mentioned Bishop Stokes as one of two recent lessons; the other is my grandmother, who, at 92, is an active member of The Parish of the Epiphany in Winchester, MA.  I have memories as a kid and young teen of my grandmother making curious and difficult comments about homosexuals; she was raised in southern Virginia in the 1930s,  and the marks of that upbringing occasionally popped out amidst amazing Saturday morning breakfasts featuring the best blueberry pancakes on the east coast. I learned to shrug it off, and danced around the topic of my sexual orientation for much of my twenties as I assumed it would be a sore spot with someone I loved dearly.

Boy, was I dumb and wrong on that one; several years ago, The Parish of the Epiphany called a new priest, The Reverend Thomas James Brown. Father Thomas has a partner–The Rev. Thomas N. Mousin of St. John’s Episcopal Church in Charlestown, MA.

Two episcopal priests named Thomas, committed and married to one another, came into my grandmother’s life, and now their some of her dearest friends. She has dinner with “the boys” all the time, and cares for them in a way that is surprising and delightful and moving. And she firmly believes in their love and right to be married.

That’s the lesson from my grandmother: if, in her nineties, the demonstrated love between two decent men helped her accept the sanctity and validity of same-sex marriage, then, well, there’s hope for all of us.

So, Candace and the objecting bakery: I hear you. I understand that you’re not quite ready for this yet. For the moment, there are plenty of bakeries and celebrities that are. But I’m not going to call you bigots and beat you in the ground. I’m going to be warm and happy and loving and fabulous, and eventually, you’re going to come around to this.

Love wins. Especially when love is fabulous.

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